


And I feel just like the only one

by telefool



Category: Rise of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles (Cartoon 2018), Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles - All Media Types
Genre: Anxiety, Gen, Leadership, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-15
Updated: 2018-09-15
Packaged: 2019-07-12 05:06:59
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,773
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15988247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/telefool/pseuds/telefool
Summary: Not every leader chooses their path.





	And I feel just like the only one

**Author's Note:**

> I've noticed a lot of fans for RotTMNT are waiting for Leo to assume his position as team leader, and I wanted to spend some time on Raph feeling those feelings instead? He often seemed to question his own abilities as much as Leo's and I don't feel like that would change if he was given more responsibility.
> 
> I love the possibilities. Can Mikey be leader next, Nickelodeon? Please??

They were only eight when it happened, when Leo fought the Shredder the first time.

He had always been the fastest- the quickest to strike. That was why Dad always chose him to go scavenging, if he was only in the mood to put up with one of them. Even though Donnie found the best stuff and Raph could carry the most out of all of 'em.

_'Your brother is quick.' Master Splinter had said, crouching low enough that his robe brushed the ground, just to meet their eyes. 'When running and hiding, fast is best. Your strengths will help our family in other ways.'_

A lot of noise just to tell 'em they weren't invited.

And then one morning, Mikey shook Raph awake. He was hungry and Don was playing with the blowtorch and Dad still wasn't back-

"Back home?" Raph had asked him dumbly.

Master Splinter had never stayed out scavenging past sunrise- had never stayed out past sunrise at all.

Raph did what he could.

Took the blowtorch away from Donnie and gave Mikey a bowl of Crunch Pops. Gave Donnie a bowl of Crunch Pops, and then went to go wake Leo up.

Leo wasn't in his bedroom when Raph went to check and for some reason the side of his bed, empty but neatly made, gave him a creeping fear in his heart he had never felt before.

He went back to the living room and helped Don tape the antenna up by the gutter, so they got enough signal for cartoons. Raph was surprised Donatello hadn't asked any real questions. It wasn't until they were watching Mikey watch cartoons that he realized Don knew about as much as he did.

That was really all there was to do, curled up in the living as it got hotter and hotter, until they piled into the dojo. With it's open ceiling, the dojo was the only place to pant out the heat. Raph, unsure of what to do in the place of Don's placid attention and Mikey's needful energy got them to run through their katas, the ones they all knew anyway.

He was sure he did it all wrong.

Then they took a shower, taking turns splashing under the hose, and then it was time for lunch. Raph assembled sandwiches, that Don cut into tidy triangles. Raph's sense of panic was going numb the longer the day went on, like a limb you fell asleep on. Sort of a distant, pricking worry, that if he concentrated on too hard grew and grew.

Splinter came home just as the news was starting and the tv wasn't entertaining even Mikey anymore. He didn't come home with Leo- he had some girl with him.

"Her name is Miwa." Splknter said and sighed when she hissed and fled to a corner. Treat her as your sister. Raphael-"

Raph stood straighter, as Splinter pulled him aside. He met his eyes so seriously, before he opened his mouth that for one dizzying second Raph was sure his brother was dead.

"An old enemy has you brother Leonardo. You have done such a good job of leading here. Can you do it some more?"

Raph nodded, the whole of New York hanging above his head. Dad patted him, and then went to speak softly to his... sister?

Raphael didn't want a sister. He wanted his brother back.

Donnie made dinner, standing on a busted speaker to stir spaghetti sauce in clumsy circles. When they ate Miwa didn't make a plate when they all did, but Mikey swore he'd seen her _slurrrp_ down a rat in the corner. And then he reenacted it sticking out his tongue, and popping out his eyes while he made gross digestion sounds, deep in his throats.

He was about to mime it coming out the other end when Miwa slithered over to them, anger scrawling her pale, peaky face.

"You think you're so funny. My dad is going to make soup in your brother's shell."

"Nuh-uh!" 

"Who's your dad?" Don asked and Raph didn't want to even think about the possibility that his fear was true.

Instead, he told Mikey to apologize (it's what Dad would have done) and he told Donnie to make another plate ( it's what Dad would have done) and when everyone else went to sleep in a bundle of blankets in front of the tv, Raph made his bed and then went to the dojo for his blunted, practice sai's. Deliberated, and then strapped on Mikey's spare knee pads. He wouldn't miss 'em.

And then Raph did something he'd never done by himself-

( _something Leo would do_ )

-and the air topside was incredible.

It was easy to scale the fire escape of the building beside him- one story and then another, trying not to creak louder than the wind. The wind, which was _amazing_. When he finally stood on the roof, the city spread out before him, a multitude of moving dots, cars thin enough on the streets that all the city lights looked like the stars flipped upside down. He filled his lungs with fresh air- and saw a shadow on the rooftop beside him.

Running.

Another shadow following it.

He knew him before he could see him. Called "Dad!"

Master Splinter hit the roof hard enough to raise dust around him. Around the pile of green he held in his arms, and when he looked up at Raph his eyes met him with something like relief. It swelled his chest, flooded Raph with the warm surety that he had done the right thing.

"The others?"

"At home." Raph said, and then the other shadow hit the roof, and the ground  _shook._

"Take your brother." Splinter told him and then the shadow stood from where it had knelt in landing with a scraping metal sound. Splinter rose to meet it, and Raph couldn't wait any longer- he had to look toward where Leo lay still on the ground. Felt his heart crumple a little as he gathered his brother into his arms, feeling his head hang from his neck.

It was scarier to climb down the building than up, but faster, and when his feet hit the pavement, he was running.

 _'One day, one of you will lead your brothers,' Master Splinter said-_ but it had always been Leo. Leonardo, just a little bit quicker than the rest of them- and then suddenly a lot quicker as Raph began to put on muscle and Don started to lug around backpacks to hide his shell. Leonardo who became lean  and thin, shooting upwards faster the more he ate, even as Raph just seemed to get wider. _'But I must be sure it is the strongest of you, for what you will face in your lifetime will be a challenge that will test our whole family.'_

The bruises and welts covering Leo were worse than anything Raphael had seen from the dojo.

"Go, Raphael!" Dad shouted over the edge, and then demons flowed down after him- demons clad all in black with flames stamped on their heads.They poured after him as he ran down the road, slipping from the cracks in the buildings and sidewalks, from the alleyways and rooftops. 

Raphael ran and ran, as fast as he could. He ran and ran, Leo clutched close to his shell and when he couldn't run anymore, he hid (it's what Dad would have done).

Crouched under a moving van, listening to Leo's thready breath, his eyes searched everywhere. His throat was tight and sore like he was going to cry. He had blood on his plastron- Leo's blood- Dad-

His mind bowed under the pressure. Threatened to destabilize-

(What can he do?)

-he steadied. Raphael picked up his freshly aching burden, and sank into the sewers. His feet slapping wet pavement as he jogged home. His legs burned. He kept running.

Don startled when Raph shook him awake, but Raph could trust him not to wake Mikey.

"Leo's hurt." He told him, and finally let his arms uncurl. His voice did not shake, and so Don just nodded. Raph watched uncertainty bloom in his eyes-  _hated it._ "He's going to be okay, but I need you to look after him, while I go back-"

"Dad isn't back?" Don asked and Raph shook his head. Watched Donatello's mouth harden into a thin line before he stood, shedding blankets, giving Raph a place to rest his motionless bundle.

He stood there long enough for Donnie's quiet care to calm his heart and then he was moving again. Past the dojo into Splinter's room where he kept his cabinets locked- where he kept the smoking powder Raph had seen him use only once, when he was so young even he was surprised he remembered.

Then he was running. Running back toward the surface, back toward their father. As fast as he could. It was what Leo would have done, and Dad was right, it should have been Leo, he was quicker, better- but Leo was taking soft, shallow breaths under a blanket at home, and there was only him and he had to be faster- no, faster than _that_ -

He could hear the fight rolling over head, his Father's sharp exclamations, and the scraping rumble of metal on asphalt, like distant thunder. Could hear them, but couldn't see them-

Came out the manhole like breaking water, and Splinter saw him almost immediately.

"Raphael-!"

He saw the thing staggering forward. He saw his Father prostate on the ground. He saw the blade raise-

He threw the small pouch of powder as hard and as far as he could.

The street bled thick green fog, and Splinter slid into the manhole behind him, pulling the cover closed gently, so gently. His fur was a twitching bleeding coat, pressing into Raphael in the sudden safe stillness of the sewer.

"Let's go home." Splinter sighed. And then as he slid down the ladder, "Thank you, Raphael."

Raph felt his heart ease. Only creased, not crumpled, even though it hurt the same as he helped Splinter down the ladder. Leaked worry the whole way home.

Leo was awake when they got there-two broken toes and a concussion aside from what went along with a solid beating, Donnie reported. Miwa was swaying gently back and forth with Don's stethoscope making Leo shake with snickers.

Mikey was still fast asleep.

-

Years later, when Raph knelt beside his brothers and his father told him he would lead, it would feel like wind in his lungs for the first time, like all the stars had flipped upside down.

Terrifying.

 

**Author's Note:**

> [twitter](https://mobile.twitter.com/telefool)


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